Confessions of a Middleagedmom

surviving motherhood in the “middle ages”

What I Miss These Days February 23, 2009

Filed under: children,family,moms — middleagedmom @ 3:19 pm

Recently I’ve been really wanting to see a movie. I’ve heard great things about the movie called Slumdog Millionaire. That’s not the only movie I’d like to see. I wouldn’t even mind seeing a video/DVD. But as my life goes, time is precious and very limited when it comes to spending time lounging in front of the TV for any extended period of time.

It got me thinking about all the things that I miss doing…

  1.  seeing a movie of my choice at a time of my choice
  2.  affording a trip to the movies when it was less than $5 (I know I am old!)
  3. buying that really cute pair of shoes that are not on sale
  4. spending more than 1 continuous hour on a scrapbook project
  5. taking only 10-15 minutes to wash dishes because there were hardly any dishes to wash
  6. my family room and living room being tidy and neat all day long
  7. dining out when I didn’t feel like cooking (Of course, prices were more affordable a few years ago.)
  8. lounging on the couch reading a really good book (the kind you just can’t put down) for hours on end
  9. meeting up with friends for some good food and a great glass of wine
  10. having a manicure…even if it’s done at home

These are just some things that I miss these days…I’m sure I could think of a lot more.

One thing I know for sure is that although I miss these things, I would not trade it for the time that Iget to spend with my children. My days are filled with unending joy and awe as I watch my girls grow and blossom right in front of my eyses.  Yes, time and money are short these days but life with my girls is PRICELESS!


In the Desert of Infertility – Part 1 February 17, 2009

Filed under: baby,children,Christianity,dad,family,infertility,moms,pregnancy — middleagedmom @ 10:49 pm
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I was in the desert of infertility for what seemed like forty years or forever.

Here is my story of infertility to abundance…thanks to the blessings of the Lord.

As a single career-minded woman, I was not sure if I wanted to have children. Why? Well, because I guess I was selfish. I had grown accustomed to a lifestyle of great freedom. I had grown accustomed to traveling, shopping, dining out, vegging out, etc. all on my schedule. I had grown accustomed to spending money on myself for whaterver I wanted. You know, buying those cute pair of shoes or that adorable handbag, on a whim!

While dating Mr. MaD, I mentioned to him that I was not sure if I wanted to have chidlren. I was trying to give him advanced notice of what he might be getting into (aka – if you really want children then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you).  Okay, if you’re trying to analyze me, you might be thinking that I was trying to test him or push him away. I wasn’t! I just wanted to be up front because I didnt’ want to waste his time or my time. I was too old for that stuff.

Fast forward a couple years later ( and after having premarital counseling) …we’re a married couple. From the start I have to say that we didn’t necessarily try to get pregnant but we didn’t stop it from happening either.  We had a lot of fun as a newly married couple…traveling, shopping, dining out, etc. We really were living an abundant life full of blessings.

Then it hit me…”I think I’d like to have children.” I somehow felt like it was time to start a family. Of course, it just so happened that everyone around us had children or started to have children. Maybe that kind of “in your face” reminder is enough to make anyone think about starting a family.  So, we really diligently started to try to get pregnant. 

Sadly, nothing really happened for a while. We were already married over 5 years by now and we weren’t getting pregnant. So my Ob/Gyn at the time decided that I should try to take clomid. So, I started taking clomid. I swear that infertility drug made me gain weight.  Clomid is supposed to make you produce/ripen more eggs so that it increases your chances of getting pregnant.  Well, after taking it for over 6 months, I got pregnant. Oh my gosh! I was totally ecstatic! As soon as I missed my period, I sent Mr. MaD out to buy a pregnancy test and of course, it came out positive. I immediately called my Ob/Gyn for an appointment. I got one a couple of weeks later. 

Mr. MaD and I both went to my appointment. I took to pregnancy test and it was positive. Whew, one more hurdle overcome. So the doctor said we would be doing an ultrsound. While doing the ultrasound, the doctor mentions that she doesn’t really see the pregnancy sac. At the time, I didn’t really know what that meant. She explained that there should be 2 sacs, the pregnancy sac and the egg sac. She said that it may be too early so I would need to come back in a couple of weeks.  I was sad but I was hopeful.  We prayed a lot for the viability of this pregnancy and we asked others to pray also. By the time we returned to the doctor, I was about 9 weeks along. The doctor asked if I had any pregnancy symptoms so I said I was feeling tired and a little quesy.  Again we did an ultrasound. Again, the doctor said she could only see 1 sac. Immediately, my heart sank! I was in despair! What did that mean? Yes, my body thought I was pregnant that’s why it was producing the hormones for a positive pregnancy test but I was not creating a life inside me. I was going to miscarry.

Rather than wait for a natural miscarriage, we decided that I should have a D& C procedure.  I was sad! I was depressed! My body had betrayed me! Frankly, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get pregnant. I recovered from the procedure/miscarriage over the next couple of months. When my body was recovered, I started clomid again. Since it “worked” once, it was recommended  that I should try again.  Sadly, I didn’t get pregnant even after 6+ more months.


“Freaking Out” About Real Food

Filed under: baby,children,family,food,moms — middleagedmom @ 4:26 pm

Help! My Baby doesn’t really want to eat any real food…table food to be exact. She appears to be “longing” after our meals but when I offer it to her she either gags, spits it out, or cries.

She is very content to eat her baby food, mostly #2 and some #3. I think she doesn’t like the texture.  I am trying so hard to introduce table food into her diet. The doctor said to let her eat table foods that you know she likes because maybe she will be won over by the taste and forget about the texture. Other advice has been to let her starve because she’ll eat when she is hungry. I have to admit that’s a little hard for me to do.

She does enjoy baby yogurt (Yo Baby brand) and applesauce. She eats cream of wheat.  Once she wanted to try ramen noodles but the next time she spit it out. She also does not want to eat finger food by herself. She’ll eat it if I put it in her mouth but she won’t put it in her mouth by herself.  For example, she’ll eat those Gerber puffs but only if I feed it to her. She will pick it up and play with it but won’t put it in her mouth.  (Initially, she didn’t even want to eat those puffs when I offered it to her. She would just gag!)

Besides this refusal to really eat table food, she also has refused cow’s milk. She may try a few sips from the sippy cup but mostly plays with the spout. Then the milk dribbles down the side of her mouth. I even tried to offer her it in a cup. She is pretty much exclusively breast-fed. When she was a newborn in the hospital, we did give her some formula. We tried to offer her some formula when we got home just to make it easier for me to leave the house if I have to. Well, she would drink a little or just starve herself until I returned. Basically, she never really did like the bottle so we just gave up instead of wasting all that formula.

I’ve read a bunch of stuff online but I’m still a little worried about it. 

Any suggestions? Maybe some table foods I can try that Baby might like? Am I rushing her too fast?


My Thoughts on Octuplet Mother February 12, 2009

Filed under: baby,children,Christianity,family,infertility,moms,pregnancy — middleagedmom @ 2:57 pm
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I’m sure you’ve all heard about the single mother, Nadya Suleman, who gave birth to octuplets.

Like most people, at first I was shocked to hear the news that octuplets were born to a single mom. But after a little time to digest it and to reflect on my life as a mother, I am withholding judgement of her.

First, I am totally saddened by all those unnecessary comments about her physical appearance and her so-called obsession with Angelina Jolie.  Why are people even concerned with that? What does that have to do with her being a mother?

Of course I do understand what all the “hype” is about in terms of her and her finances. People are upset about her being a single mom of now 14 children. People are upset that she may not be able to support her children and may need public assistance. People are upset that she will probably not be able to pay for her very expensive hospital bill. I hope these same people are voicing their concerns about the California government who is now in debt and who probably didn’t spend their money wisely either.  That’s your taxpayer money used (proabably unwisely) by the government!

As a mother, I am actually feeling sympathetic toward her. Why? Well, because I too struggled for years with infertility. I, too, had to turn to infertility treatments. I TOTALLY understand why doctors implant multiple embryos into the mother. I know that the odds of getting pregnant successfully is slim. I know how it feels when you yearn to be a mother and you can’t. I know how it feels to have 1 child and want more children.  I know how it feels when your body “betrays” you. I know how it feels when you will do whatever it takes to have a family. I know how it feels to believe that every embryo is a life and you would never “destroy” them. I know how it feels to have those embryos inside you and believe that each is a life worth living and saving. I know how it feels to be afraid that your desire for 1 child may lead to multiple children. I know how it feels to decide that you will not have selective reduction should you have multiples.

I also know how it feels to go through multiple infertility treatments and not have a child after all. I truly believe that children are a gift from God. A truly blessed gift.

I know that each of us is not perfect. We all have our own insecurities and limitations. We all do things to make ourselves feel better. We all struggle with ourselves. We all have to live with decisions we have made whether right or wrong.  I am not in a position to judge her, especially since I believe that she did not do this with bad intentions. I do believe that she does love her children and did not intend to have octuplets. I have to applaud her courage for coming out and talking about her situation and her struggles.

In one of my past jobs, I had first-hand experience working with families living in poverty (living on public assistance in public housing). Some of these families were what we would call “well-deserving” of public assistance because they had encountered some kind of hardship that put them there. Other, we might say were just caught up in the cycle of poverty. Their families have lived for many years and still do live in public housing. They have family members in jail or prison. They struggle with illiteracy and getting/keeping a job. They have multiple children. Some with over 10 children with a single mom with a father in prison. Many drive nicer cars than me. Many have much more electronic equipment that I ever had or will have.

So, how much more can we judge Nadya?

I’m not sure how different my life would have been had I had multiples. I’m not sure how I would have felt if someone told me that I couldn’t have multiple embryos implanted when I did in-vitro, esp. knowing how slim my odds were of getting pregnant.

As of now, I am withholidng judgement. I only wish her and her children the best. I pray for her and her family…that God would bless them abundantly.

I thank God for my children. I am truly blessed with this life.


Time Flies! February 11, 2009

Can you believe it is already February 2009!

So, how can you tell that you’ve been gone in like “forever”? Well, when you finally return to your blog’s dashboard and you don’t even recognize it!  How scary is that?

So, life has caught up with me lately…consuming all of my time.  Recently, my Baby turned one! Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday I was blogging about being pregnant with her. I am loving every minute of her life. This age is so great (every age is great) because she is just walking and so interactive. Her smile is contagious and she just bring so much joy to our lives.  Her  birthday was a great celebration. Of course, I drove myself crazy with making her invitations, her favors, the centerpieces, etc. I recently sent out her thank you cards which I made on Adobe Photoshop Elements. I am still learning how to use Photoshop Elements so I take a long time to create something so simple. I guess my age is catching up to me.  Any Photoshop Elements advice out there? I sure could use some.

Princess is enjoying her time in preschool. At the end of last year, she took school portraits that came out so adorable. Okay, I realize that everyone thinks their child is adorable but I was truly impressed with her. Why? Well, when we try to take photos at home, she is truly not interested. She does not want to pose or smile for the camera. It may be 1 in 50 photos that I can get her to look into the camera with a semi-nice smile. Let’s face it. She can’t be bothered posing for me.

The relationship between Princess and Baby has evolved. Princess is still pretty nice to Baby but she has become more territorial. I realized that it’s because Baby is now more mobile and loves to touch Princess’s toys. Baby has tons of her own toys but wants everything that Princess has when Princess has it. She is her sister’s shadow and Princess does not want anything to do with it. Of course, I do see some affection from Princess occasionally but she would rather not be bothered with her little sister. Is this the start of sibling rivalry? I sure hope not. My wish is that they become the best of friends who will love and support each other into adulthood. No, I’m not trying to be idealistic!

So, how was your holiday season. I’m sure busy like the rest of us. Not too mention probably a bit worrisome with the down turn in the economy. This past Christmas I made a few desk calendars using a program called Picture Gear Studio. I think it’s a Sony program.  I used some digital photos of the girls and it came out pretty good. I think I’ll try it again for some other projects. Besides making these calendars, I also did my yearly holiday baking. This year I cut down the variety of cookies. I made only 1 type of cookie and I also made a savory pretzel snack. I also tried out a cinnamon-sugar chex mix. It was okay but not as yummy as “puppy chow”. I was actually trying to find an easy chex recipe that was sweet but didn’t have nuts or peanut butter.

Speaking of baking? Have you seen the new O Magazine. It has an article about a bakery called Baked. They feature a few recipes in the magazine that I can’t wait to try. I also just spotted the new Cookie book from Martha Stewart at Costco. Looks so tempting but I have tons of cookbooks so I have to think about it before purchasing it.

I just tried a recipe that I found online for some oat bars. They were pretty good but I didn’t have a 9×9 pan so I used an 8×8 so of course the bars were a little thick and soft in the middle.  (I’ll post a link to the recipe in the next post after I dig up the recipe again.)

So what have you been baking lately?