Confessions of a Middleagedmom

surviving motherhood in the “middle ages”

In the Desert of Infertility – Part 1 February 17, 2009

Filed under: baby,children,Christianity,dad,family,infertility,moms,pregnancy — middleagedmom @ 10:49 pm
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I was in the desert of infertility for what seemed like forty years or forever.

Here is my story of infertility to abundance…thanks to the blessings of the Lord.

As a single career-minded woman, I was not sure if I wanted to have children. Why? Well, because I guess I was selfish. I had grown accustomed to a lifestyle of great freedom. I had grown accustomed to traveling, shopping, dining out, vegging out, etc. all on my schedule. I had grown accustomed to spending money on myself for whaterver I wanted. You know, buying those cute pair of shoes or that adorable handbag, on a whim!

While dating Mr. MaD, I mentioned to him that I was not sure if I wanted to have chidlren. I was trying to give him advanced notice of what he might be getting into (aka – if you really want children then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you).  Okay, if you’re trying to analyze me, you might be thinking that I was trying to test him or push him away. I wasn’t! I just wanted to be up front because I didnt’ want to waste his time or my time. I was too old for that stuff.

Fast forward a couple years later ( and after having premarital counseling) …we’re a married couple. From the start I have to say that we didn’t necessarily try to get pregnant but we didn’t stop it from happening either.  We had a lot of fun as a newly married couple…traveling, shopping, dining out, etc. We really were living an abundant life full of blessings.

Then it hit me…”I think I’d like to have children.” I somehow felt like it was time to start a family. Of course, it just so happened that everyone around us had children or started to have children. Maybe that kind of “in your face” reminder is enough to make anyone think about starting a family.  So, we really diligently started to try to get pregnant. 

Sadly, nothing really happened for a while. We were already married over 5 years by now and we weren’t getting pregnant. So my Ob/Gyn at the time decided that I should try to take clomid. So, I started taking clomid. I swear that infertility drug made me gain weight.  Clomid is supposed to make you produce/ripen more eggs so that it increases your chances of getting pregnant.  Well, after taking it for over 6 months, I got pregnant. Oh my gosh! I was totally ecstatic! As soon as I missed my period, I sent Mr. MaD out to buy a pregnancy test and of course, it came out positive. I immediately called my Ob/Gyn for an appointment. I got one a couple of weeks later. 

Mr. MaD and I both went to my appointment. I took to pregnancy test and it was positive. Whew, one more hurdle overcome. So the doctor said we would be doing an ultrsound. While doing the ultrasound, the doctor mentions that she doesn’t really see the pregnancy sac. At the time, I didn’t really know what that meant. She explained that there should be 2 sacs, the pregnancy sac and the egg sac. She said that it may be too early so I would need to come back in a couple of weeks.  I was sad but I was hopeful.  We prayed a lot for the viability of this pregnancy and we asked others to pray also. By the time we returned to the doctor, I was about 9 weeks along. The doctor asked if I had any pregnancy symptoms so I said I was feeling tired and a little quesy.  Again we did an ultrasound. Again, the doctor said she could only see 1 sac. Immediately, my heart sank! I was in despair! What did that mean? Yes, my body thought I was pregnant that’s why it was producing the hormones for a positive pregnancy test but I was not creating a life inside me. I was going to miscarry.

Rather than wait for a natural miscarriage, we decided that I should have a D& C procedure.  I was sad! I was depressed! My body had betrayed me! Frankly, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get pregnant. I recovered from the procedure/miscarriage over the next couple of months. When my body was recovered, I started clomid again. Since it “worked” once, it was recommended  that I should try again.  Sadly, I didn’t get pregnant even after 6+ more months.


2 Responses to “In the Desert of Infertility – Part 1”

  1. theinterpreter Says:

    Society demands of women many things and the guilt if we don’t deliver is awfull.

    When religion is a part of that ‘deliver’ , and it does’nt ,then even more guit and fear are generally the result.

    Children are not a divine right Jesus is.

    • middleagedmom Says:

      True that guilt and fear comes into play and I have to say even anger. Those very strong
      human emotions well up very quickly when it comes to infertility.

      In those times, it became very difficult to trust God although I knew that is when we should trust HIM the most!

      I can even say that at times I felt angry toward God as well as myself. Yes, I was being selfish too. Only thinking
      about what I wanted rather than seeking out God’s plan or accepting God’s timing.

      It was a rough time. That time in the desert was truly a growing experience for me.

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